My bated breath tactic finally paid off–the hotly-anticipated cover for the next Dan Brown instaclassic has finally been revealed!

Five grueling years of waiting over, I hardly know what to do with myself anymore. So I just stare at it. You should do the same. Come on–try it:

Isn’t it the most fucking breathtaking beast you’ve ever seen? It is exactly what I thought it would be–and more better different at the same time!!! LOL!!!

I can’t wait to read an advance copy once my mole at Doubleday earns his keep. But don’t worry, secret web police–I would never cut into Mr. Brown’s profits. I don’t roll like that when the future of high art is on the line.

As soon as it’s released on September 15th, I will buy 4 first-edition copies: one to covet, one to store in a vacuum-sealed bag in my safe-deposit box in the Cayman Islands (best investment ever!!), and two to give to all my friends!

Pre-order now from your favorite shit-schlocker.